Eggman's Misadventures in Shipping
by IHeartSonAmy
Summary: What use is an IQ of 300 if you don't use it to enact an elaborate scheme to set up your arch nemesis. Eggman's had enough of getting his butt kicked every other day by that stupid blue pineapple. To regain his spark, it's time for a plan the Doctor knows is fool proof … at least, according to certain 'shippers' on the internet
1. Phase Zero: Prepare for Misadventure

_**Chapter 1  
Phase Zero: Prepare for Misadventure**_

"Orbot!" The round bellied man yelled, floating into the base riding in his custom built Eggmobile. "Cubot!" He landed it with the effortless grace that one could expect from a metal contraption holding an oversized man, which is to say none at all.

Eggman planted his feet onto the ground at almost the same moment his two minions appeared, seeming to slink out of the walls themselves.

"Doctor!" they called, their robotic voices melding in unison as they addressed him. Their blue eyes were bright and unblinking as they waited for a response from their creator.

Eggman only frowned at them deeply, a deep growl escaping through his thick moustache. "I have had _enough_ of that stupid blue rat besting me at every turn!" the man yelled, falling into a rhythmic trot as he headed into the complex. "It's like he doesn't even _care_ that I spent hours making sure everything was set out _perfectly_ before crushing my dreams under those red sneakers of his."

The two robots shared nervous glances as they followed behind him, pointing at one another to speak first. With a robotic sigh, Orbot took the lead.

"But Doctor Eggman, Sonic _always_ beats you. That's just how it goes."

"Do you think I don't know that Orbot?!" Eggman snapped, sending a furious glance over his shoulder.

The two robots shrank back a little at the sight as they stumbled after him. Orbot gestured for Cubot to try and console their creator. The robot looked hesitant, but after a little prompting from his spherical counterpart, he tried regardless.

"Perhaps you are just aiming too high Doc," he started, following Eggman into a large room furnished only with a single sofa and a large television screen mounted on the wall.

"What are you going on about?" the man said, collapsing onto the sofa and stretching his legs out before him.

"I just mean, world annihilation seems like the final step on the ladder of success. The end goal. What if you tried to achieve it one small rung at a time instead of just going straight to the top?"

"Yes," Orbot chimed in. "A more … manageable goal might be just what you need to boost your confidence Doctor. Perhaps we should start by stealing all the candy from every baby in the land?"

Eggman scratched at his chin slowly, his glasses flashing as he considered the bots words.

"Hmm, not candy. I already have two vaults full of those peppermint cane things I stole from those yuletide celebrations last year. But perhaps the two of you are onto something. I mean, it's no surprise, I was the one who programmed you after all," he mused, a proud gleam in his eyes.

"Maybe I am aiming too high." He squinted at the two bots before him as the cogs in his clever mind began to spin at an alarming rate. "Or maybeSonic is too focused on _me_."

"We thought you liked having his attention," Orbot said tentatively, knowing full well that Eggman might not like hearing those words spoken out loud.

"I do," the man said vaguely. "But he enjoys destroying them too much, and I am tired of losing to him. I think I need to focus on something else for a while."

"Doctor," Cubot said. "If Sonic is the problem, then perhaps we need to find a way to distract him."

"That's what I made all of you robots for," the man said, gesturing to the walls and the countless bots that thrummed behind them.

"Perhaps what you need is a more long-term solution," Orbot clarified. "Something that will distract him for longer than it takes him to destroy us with his spines."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Eggman said offhandedly, twisting the rough edges of his moustache between his fingers. "I've got it!" he said suddenly. "What I _need_ is to find a more long-term way of distracting Sonic!"

Orbot hummed sadly as he nodded his head in agreement. "That's a great idea Doctor."

"I need a win right now, and I also need to divert that damned hedgehog's attention. So maybe, just maybe … I can kill two birds with one stone."

The man jumped off the sofa, rushing over to a hidden panel beside the screen on the wall. A keypad popped out the wall and a seat sprang from the floor instantly. Eggman made himself comfortable, his lips forming soundless words as his fingers began furiously tapping away on the keypad.

Flashes of the blue hedgehog popped up on several sections of the large monitor as sets of diagnostics scrolled across the reflection of Eggman's glasses. What the doctor was looking for, the two robots had no idea. But they stood by his side steadfast, twiddling their thumbs as he plotted away.

Eventually, with a cry of '_aha!_' the man turned back to his robots with a look of glee plastered across his face.

"According to the internet, the best distraction aside from something called _'may-mays'_ is another person. So, say for example if Sonic the Hedgehog had a needy girlfriend who demanded _all_ his attention _all of _the time, then it would just be an absolute shame if he had no time for _me_ anymore."

"But doesn't Sonic already _have_ a girlfriend?" Cubot interjected.

"No, he doesn't. But … oh ho, he will by the time I'm through with him!"

"Who are you going to set him up with?" the two bots asked, peeking at the screen to try and get a glimpse of whatever was going on in his mind.

"I ran his personality with every person he's known to have interacted with and I have a shortlist of three."

With a simple tap, three images popped up onto the screen.

"The first, is Sonic," Eggman said. "Gosh, that rat loves himself," he added with a shake of his head.

"The second, a chilli dog. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the inclination to try to animate a _food _of all things. But the third," he said, expanding the image so it filled half the screen.

"Amy Rose."

Cubot and Orbot shared a knowing glance but said nothing as the Doctor continued.

"They both have similar personality types and _apparently_ having the same values is essential or some nonsense like that. Besides, she's always running after him and saying she loves him. What else is there to it?"

"Doc, setting Sonic up with a girlfriend just seems like another failure to add to the pile … especially given his track record of no relationships to date," Orbot said. "I strongly suggest we focus on something a little simpler, just to remind you what winning feels like."

"I remember exactly what winning feels like," Eggman replied. "Right now, it tastes like Sonic and that whiny pink hedgehog paying so much attention to each other that they forget all about dear old me."

A covert smile graced the man's thin lips as he scribbled the words _'Operation Get Sonic a Girlfriend'_ onto the top of the notepad he'd seemingly pulled out of thin air. The words sprawled across the page in a solid script as Eggman began scrolling through his multiple open tabs.

Hundreds and thousands of scrolled pages and scrunched up balls of paper later, Doctor Eggman had compiled a shortlist of four different scenarios that he could execute to get the win he so longingly deserved.

"Here," he said, flapping the list at the two robots. "I've analysed several hundred situations, and this four-phase scheme will give me the exact results I need. Each phase is filled with nauseating romance and _perhaps_ they'll be enough on their own, but this is where my genius comes in," he said dramatically.

"String these four scenarios together and throw Sonic and Amy into the mix, suddenly the plan becomes foolproof! No one can withstand _this_ much romantic subtext without falling head over heels in love with the person next them, especially not that cocky pineapple," Eggman chuckled with excitement.

"What exactly _are_ the four phases?"

"Ah, you'll know all in due time my robots. But first, I must prepare myself for phase one … and the two of you I suppose."

The man laughed maniacally as he pulled up the first of his blueprints on the screen. The words _'Picnic for Two'_ flashed before him as the details of the plan transmitted right into Orbot and Cubot's robotic minds.

"Oh," Cubot said, his mind scanning through the data. "This just might work," he said to Orbot, who only nodded in agreement.

Eggman adjusted his blue glasses on the bridge of his nose with a curious smile. "Alright bots. Let's get this adventure in shipping started!"

* * *

_Do I have a zillion other things I should be doing? Yes. Do I care? Only slightly, but I have been excited to write this for so long and I couldn't hold off anymore._

_I wrote this purely for the fact that I thought it would be funny to have a series where Eggman is actively trying to pair up Sonic and Amy. This chapter is absolutely a set up chapter for what's to follow so I'm sorry if it's a little boring, but things will get much more exciting as the story progresses._

_Thanks so much for reading, feel free to let me know your thoughts if you fancy. I'll see you guys in the next one, chao :) _


	2. Phase One: Picnic for Two

_**Chapter 2  
Phase One: Picnic for Two**_

_Beep beep._

Sonic cracked open a single eye as he lifted his arm, bathing his face in the green glow of his communicator. The familiar symbol of a moustachioed man flickered on the small screen, directly above a set of coordinates.

With a single tap the beeping ceased, and the blue hedgehog sat up with a yawn. The branch he rested on quivered precariously at the movement, but Sonic was used to it. What was a nap without a little danger anyway?

He glanced up towards the sun hanging high in the sky and frowned. It was a little early in the day for an Egg Attack; Doctor Eggman usually didn't start anything until after lunch at least. Even still, Tails had sent through the location which meant _something_ was up, and Sonic fully intended to find out what.

He sprang into action, jumping off the branch with graceful expertise before spurring his legs into action. Instantly, the landscapes around him merged into a mesmerising kaleidoscope of grassy fields and floral woodlands. He would never tire of that view.

Wherever Eggman was, he wasn't far as it only took the blue hedgehog a Sonic minute to reach the location. As he approached, he slowed down to take in his surroundings and prepare himself for whatever crazy creations the Doctor had waiting for him this time.

Perhaps it would be those crab-like badnicks? It had been a long while since Eggman had pulled those out of his sleeves. They were always fun to destroy, and he had to admit he had no love for sea creatures – metal or otherwise.

Eggman seemed to have set up in the middle of a forest this time Sonic thoughts as he weaved between the trees, readying himself of for a fight. Whatever lurked ahead, the faster he defeated it the better.

He spotted a clearing up ahead and burst through the bushes, his feet dragging up dust in great plumes as he ground to a halt. As the dust dropped back to the ground, Sonic's jaw almost dropped with it.

Instead of a horde of robots waiting to attack him, it seemed he had stumbled right into the middle of someone's picnic. Strings of pretty little lights hung between the trees like stars, glittering above a large polka dot sheet that had been stretched across the length of the clearing. Small wicker baskets laden with food were scattered across it and Sonic's mouth watered at the sight of all the snacks and treats.

"What the-"

"Sonic, is that you?" someone cut in. Sweet and melodic, the boy would recognise that voice absolutely anywhere.

"Amy!" he called with a wave as the girl emerged from a path he hadn't noticed before now. She was glancing around her warily and Sonic got the distinct impression that she _wasn't_ the one behind the picnic.

"What's going on?" Amy asked, eyeing the baskets of food warily. "I thought Eggman was supposed to be staging an attack here."

"I thought so too … but I guess Tails got it wrong?" he said, knowing the words weren't true even as he said them.

Amy pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Maybe, but Tails is extremely careful. Why would he send out an Egg Alert just to meet us a for a picnic and then be late?"

"I don't know, but I trust Tails. He must have asked us here for a reason."

Amy agreed with a simple nod before walking right into the centre of the set-up, eyeing everything with a careful gaze. "Oh, there's a note," she said, plucking up an envelope from the edge of the blanket. "It's for you."

"You can open it," Sonic said, waving away the note in favour of peeking inside some of the closed baskets. Amy opened it up, sliding out the note contained within before reading it aloud for the other hedgehog to hear.

"Sonic. A private picnic for two is just the opportunity you need. Consider sharing a feeling or two whilst you share your food, or you will regret it."

"That's not ominous at all," Sonic scoffed, his head popping up over her shoulder to peer down at the note. "Something tells me it's not from Tails either."

"It's not signed," Amy said, flipping it over to make sure there was nothing hidden on the back. "What do you think it means?"

Sonic took a step back and shrugged before pointing to something by her feet. "Hey look." The boy reached into the basket full of apples and cherries, pulling out an envelope identical to the one in her hand. "This one's addressed to you, so whoever set this up was expecting us at least."

Amy accepted it from him and opened it quickly. The writing matched the other note, and though there was no threat, it was just as confusing.

"Amy. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. You already know what you need to do." At some point, Sonic had resumed investigating the picnic and now he sniffed loudly in the direction of the largest basket that sat in the middle of the spread. "Sonic, what are you doing?" Amy asked, the notes in her hand all but forgotten.

Sonic didn't reply as he picked his way to the basket. He lifted the lid slowly and peered inside, a large smile creeping onto his face as he spotted what his nose had already known lay within.

"Oh sweet," he exclaimed. "Chilli dogs!" Sonic immediately dropped to the ground and plucked one out for himself. "And they're still warm" he added dreamily, taking a large sumptuous bite out of his favourite food.

"Um … Sonic, are you sure you should be eating those? You don't even know where they came from," Amy said, looking as if she was barely restraining herself from knocking the food right out of his hands.

"They're from heaven as far as I'm concerned," the hero replied with a mouthful of chilli and a casual shrug. "It's free food Amy, don't question it. Especially when it tastes so _good._" A dream sigh crawled across his face and Amy rolled her eyes at him.

"Here," Sonic said, patting the empty space on the blanket beside him. "At lease come and try some. It really is _incredible_," he added, dragging out the last word to emphasise his point.

Amy bit her lip reluctantly. Sonic sighed loudly before reaching forwards and pulling her to the ground in one gentle sweep. With a small shriek, Amy found herself sat so close to Sonic that her fingers rested mere inches from his own as he held his chilli dog for her to try.

Giving in, Amy leaned in and took a nibble.

"Am I right or am I right?" he asked with a proud smile.

"You're right," she admitted, chewing the food slowly and carefully, as if it might still explode in her mouth. "Although I'm not happy about it."

Sonic chuckled, swallowing the remaining chilli dog whole before throwing open the basket again. He leaned forwards and rifled through the contents with a determined expression. "Aha! I thought I could smell something sweet in there," he called, pulling out what looked to a strawberry topped tart on a dessert plate.

"Thanks," Amy said as she accepted the sweet treat, a little less cautious now that nothing had happened to either of them.

"Huh, it looks like there's only one spoon in here."

The blue hero lifted it out of the basket, the silver metal glinting in the dapple sunlight as he handed it over to his pink counterpart. "Bon appétit."

"Would you like some Sonic?"

The boy in question had managed to find himself another chilli dog and was in the process of devouring it when he turned to her with a dismissive wave. "Nah, sweet stuff is more your thing."

Amy nodded in agreement before tucking in to her treat, all suspicions and notes forgotten as her mouth exploded in a twist of strawberries and flaky pastry.

* * *

"No, no, no!" Eggman cried, smashing his fingers on the keypad before him. The computer buzzed angrily in response, unable to process the incoherent keycodes. "He was supposed to _share_ the dessert with her, not just give her _all _of it."

"I think perhaps you should have left a more specific note," Orbot commented.

Eggman only growled at him in response as the door flung open and Cubot rushed into the room, his metallic hands holding a tray laden with lemonade and chocolate. "Is it happening yet? Did I miss it?" he called hurriedly.

"Slow down idiot, the only thing you missed was that hedgehog being _useless_ … as usual," the man groaned, grabbing his drink and sipping loud enough for the sound to echo through the room.

"Oh," Cubot said.

Once the glass was drained, Eggman seemed to have cooled off a little. He turned back to the screen, exiting the multiple error messages that had been prompted during his earlier key smashes.

"Well, I suppose this is why I have more than one phase," he conceded. "This _'date'_ is a start. They might be sat near each other but it's still too distant for my liking," he noted, examining the live feed footage of the two hedgehogs at the picnic.

The man seemed to stop to think about something for a moment before turning to his two minions with a menacing look. "Alright. I think it's time to initiate phase two. Orbot. Cubot. Send in the Bee bots. Let's see if this can't get Sonic to make like a bee and find his honey," he chuckled, the sound resounding through him.

"Yes Doctor," the two chimed in as they disappeared out the door to make the preparations. Eggman turned back to the live-feed, scratching at his chin impatiently at the two figures enjoying a peaceful picnic on the screen.

It wouldn't be peaceful for long.

* * *

_(pretty sure apologising for my sporadic updates is a bit redundant by now but even still, thanks for sticking with me and being so patient __folks)_

_Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.__ If you have the time feel free to drop your thoughts in a review and I'll see you guys in the next one. Until then, chao :)_


	3. Phase Two: The Protector

_**Chapter 3  
Phase Two: The Protector **_

It didn't take long for Sonic to polish off all the chilli dogs he could find. They didn't call him the fastest thing alive for nothing he thought with a smirk, grabbing a napkin to wipe his face.

He frowned in annoyance as he spotted a drop of chilli that had fallen right onto his glove. He was going to have to switch to a clean pair he realised and was about to wipe the glove down when an idea crept up on him. He glanced between his finger and the girl scooping a sugar dusted strawberry into her mouth beside him and a smile stretched across his face.

"Hey Amy," he called.

"Hmm."

"You have a little something on your face there."

Amy paused mid-bite, a look of panic crossing her face just as he had expected. "What! How?" she said, grabbing the nearest napkin and rubbing blindly at her face. "Did I get it?"

Sonic pretended to inspect both her cheeks before proceeding to shake his head. "It's … right … here," he said, smirking as he streaked a line of chilli across her otherwise pristine cheek.

Amy's mouth fell open in shock as she felt the wet sauce on her cheek and realised what the blue hero had just done. "Sonic!" Amy whined, scrubbing her cheek clean without a moment's hesitation.

The boy barely had enough time to choke out a guffaw before he found himself laying on his back, hands pinned to the ground with an annoyed pink hedgehog hovering above him.

"Come on Amy, you know I was kidding," he said, nervous energy coursing through his blood as realised he couldn't break free.

"Of course, Sonic. Just like _you_ understand that this is just _me_ kidding," she replied, her words a threatening drawl as the half-eaten tart sat squarely in the palm of her hand. Sonic swallowed hard as he realised exactly where that particular dessert was headed.

"Amy come on, wait. Wait," he called out, struggling to free himself from a future where he had to scrape strawberry seeds off his muzzle.

"No chance hedgehog," she said with a smile, biting her bottom lip as she locked her aim on the blue hedgehog's pointy nose.

Sonic dropped still suddenly, his ears twitching as he caught wind of an odd sound in the distance. "No really, wait a second. Do you hear that?" Amy paused too, taking note of the shift in the boy's demeanour before deciding it wasn't just a ruse to escape her grasp.

She closed her eyes, homing in on the sounds that surrounded them. There was the usual rustle of the wind in the trees and the soft chirrup of birds but … there, in the distance, steadily getting louder was a deep thrum.

The air around them began to hum with electricity and Amy and Sonic stood instantly. The tart tumbled face down onto the blanket but the pair had bigger problems than a ruined dessert. Only one thing on Mobius emitted sounds like that - Eggman's robots.

"Get ready Amy," Sonic said, gearing up for a fight as the sound of Bee Bots buzzed around them. The girl nodded, her hammer materialising at her side in the blink of an eye. And just in time, as not a moment later the first horde burst through the greenery and surrounded them.

Amy and Sonic were caught up in a frenzy of bots and blurs as they began to knock each robot out of the sky, doing their best to avoid completely wrecking the picnic spread beneath their feet.

As Sonic homed in on a Bee Bot, landing briefly on the ground before shooting off again, he heard Amy's voice call for him. He risked turning to look at her only to see her standing at the edge of the clearing with a look of clear confusion.

He bounced off the nearest flying robot, propelling himself towards her and landing with a thump. "What's wrong?" he asked quickly.

"I don't know why but … they're _only_ going after you Sonic."

"What?"

"I can't explain it, but just watch."

Amy rushed towards the Bots that had redirected towards them and Sonic reached out a hand too late to stop her … only to see her walk harmlessly past them. He spotted a triumphant look flash across her face as she proved her point, the bots focused entirely on him.

"Well this is fun," he commented, bouncing himself right over the bots and to where Amy waited for him. "There is a lot of them here though," he added, a frown creasing his brow as he considered how many of Eggman's creations had swarmed their picnic.

"Don't worry Sonic," Amy said, swinging her hammer between her hands. "I'll make sure they don't lay a single stinger on you." Without waiting for a response, the girl ran right into the fray of enemies.

Sonic could only watch on in awe as the Bee Bots exploded like tiny bombs, Amy's hammer barely visible as she swung it around viciously. As the replacements filed in, they too ended up on the ground with their predecessors and the blue hero found himself mesmerised and completely lacking a reason to join in the fight.

Eggman's creations were still directing their attacks on him, but Amy was faster and smarter. As the pink girl got into the swing of things, she rushed around Sonic like a protective force-field, obliterating all his enemies before they could get within six feet of him and making sure none of them managed to sneak past and breach her carefully protected borders.

In fact, she was doing such a great job that Sonic decided now would be a good time to swap out that dirty glove of his for a fresh pair. "Check you out Ames, you're on fire!" he yelled proudly through the sound of crackling electricity and whining bots, giving the girl a thumbs up with his pristine new glove as she spun around like a tornado.

As the final carcass crashed to the ground, Amy finally slowed to a stop. She spun to face Sonic, breathing heavily as her hammer dematerialised into nothingness - returning to the void from whence it came.

The pink hedgehog swayed unsteadily as her balance recalibrated, struggling to stand up straight. Sonic was there in an instant, slinging an arm across her shoulders and letting her lean into him for support.

"What did you do … to Eggman that he's … coming after you … so viciously?" she exhaled out between deep ragged breaths.

"Nothing," Sonic said defensively, trying his best to rack his memory for any recent encounters with the eccentric Doctor. When he came up empty, he repeated himself again only to be met with Amy's disbelieving arched brow.

"What?" he said irritably. "It's been months since I tormented him properly. In fact, I haven't even seen the dude for days."

Amy slipped out from under his arms, turning to give Sonic a blank look. "You haven't seen Eggman for days?" she deadpanned.

"No."

"And that doesn't come across as suspicious to you," she said incredulously. In most circumstances, even a day without the good Doctor was reason enough to scour his known bases for any signs of disturbance. He could always be counted on to be stirring up some sort of mischief, and if he'd had days without interruption then Chaos only knew what he'd been planning.

"Well, it didn't until you put it like that," Sonic replied. "Maybe I should go and check out what he's up to."

Amy narrowed her eyes at him. "Perhaps _we _should," she corrected.

"Yeah, sure whatever," Sonic said nonchalantly, knocking the girl lightly on the arm. Amy rolled her eyes at his teasing smirk, but she smiled regardless.

As if on cue, both hedgehog's wrist communicators buzzed at the same time, flashing bright green as they received a new set of coordinates. The two hedgehogs turned to each other in confusion.

"Another Eggman attack. Already?" she said sceptically. Sonic seemed a little surprised too but only shrugged as he held out a gloved hand.

"Only one way to find out I guess."

Amy nodded in agreement, letting her fingers slip into the blue hedgehogs as he set a course for their next destination.

* * *

Back in Eggman's base, the room was deathly quiet. Only the sound of heavy breathing and the whir of machines permeated the air as Doctor Eggman, Orbot and Cubot sat crowded around a single large screen.

Orbot and Cubot glanced at each other nervously before the former plucked up the courage to speak. "Perhaps you should have sent the Bee Bots after Amy instead Sir," he said quietly. "It might have made the plan work more in your favour."

Eggman didn't seem to hear him, narrowing his eyes at the screen as he dragged out a single file onto the interface. "Did you two hear what I heard?" the man questioned, hovering the mouse over what looked to be a sound bite.

"That the two hedgehogs are going to the location of the next phase?" Cubot offered.

"No, no, no. Not that," Eggman said impatiently, waving away the suggestion. "This!" The Doctor clicked on the file and smiled as Sonic's voice filled the large room.

'_Check you out Ames, you're on fire.'_

"Did you hear that?" the man asked, barely masking the grin that threatened to take over his moustache.

The two minions watched Eggman with confusion flickering in their robotic eyes. "He was … nice to her?" Orbot asked.

"No!" Eggman protested, playing the clip again.

'_Check you out Ames, you're on fire. Check you out Ames … out Ames … Ames … Ames … Ames.'_

Eggman raised his eyebrows at the robots in exasperation as they continued to fail at hearing what he heard.

"Ames! He said Ames. He's using a nickname you fools. That means the plan is fully underway. Once second he's calling her some cutesy nickname and the next he'll be so lost in her _dreamy eyes_ he'll forget all about my existence!"

"I don't think it works quite like that," Cubot murmured, a nervous squeak escaping from him as Eggman settled a glare on him.

"What do you idiots know anyway. My plan in is motion and once the third phase is through, those two imbeciles will be clinging to each other like their lives depend on it. Nothing brings two hearts closer than facing up against absolute terror," he said, a evil chuckle wiggling his moustache as he deployed the preparations for his next phase.

* * *

And scene. I am enjoying writing Eggman waaay too much, I can't believe I never wrote this sooner. It's also great to see so many other shipper!Eggman supporters showing so much love for this story - you guys are so awesome!

Thank you all for reading lovelies, I really hope you enjoyed this next instalment. (I'm off to go freak out about Taylor Swift!) Drop me your thoughts if you feel like it and I'll see you guys in the next one. Chao :)


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